初中教导处工作计划【雅思作文批改】6分：整体不错，结构再调整下更好-考雅吧
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【雅思作文批改】6分：整体不错，初中教导处工作计划结构再调整下更好-考雅吧
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作文题目：
It's a government's responsibility to provide financial support to old people after they retire or individuals [A1]should save money for themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
作文内容：
The increasing population of seniors poses a threat to many aspects of life. Some insist that it is responsible for government to offer financial aid to old people. But others hold the opinion that they [A2]must save money for themselves.
The ultimate purpose of government is to serve his [A3]citizens. Thus it's necessary for it to take care of elders. Since after being aged, they don't have enough energy to make living for themselves. Without financial resources, government is the only [A4]one which old people can turn to and rely on to lead a cozy life. More than that, most people who get money for [A5]government were workers and labor force[A6] previously. More or less they once made contributions to this society. Then [A7]it is government's obligation to repay such group of people.
Some people claim that individuals should save money for themselves. Otherwise, it will increase financial burden both on the government and tax payers. And such consequence is kind of unfair for those middle-aged workers who have to support their own family as well as pay a large amount of salaries to unknown old people.
As far as I am concerned, people should be encouraged to save money for their retirement life. Since we are the owners of our lives and we are decisive factors of our happiness. The pension you can get from the government is really limited and not sufficient enough to live carefreely. So it's not advisable for people to rely on the government totally. But government is still supposed to help those seniors who are in need in order to raise living standard and avoid some social tragedies from happening such as riots.[A8]
[A1]这个逻辑是说个体在年轻时就应该为自己退休后的日子存钱，而不是你下文的老年人存钱
[A2]如果这个they指old peoplexhero ，那就变成了老年人必须给自己存钱幽兰剑 ，就如我批注1里说的那样矛盾了
[A3]its
[A4]写作文要避免绝对词，再说逻辑上自己不行了还有孩子赡养，政府不该是唯一的
[A5]from
[A6]其他行业的也做出贡献了，这样说比较偏颇马惜珍, 你可以用个especially
[A7]thus
[A8]这一段还是在论证，不是在总结
各项细评：
针对问题最大的一点指出问题：
就本篇而言，写作结构需要再调整，结尾段还在阐述论证，而不像总结，建议研究下真题后的考官范文的写作结构。此外qq靓号买断 ，第二段论证逻辑也有点问题，具体见1、2批注。
本篇作文整体上来说没有大的问题，结构上和逻辑上再斟酌一下会更好slek。
附批改原图：
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